Much is written on the importance of social networking both for personal enjoyment and professional advancement but how many people know how to do it well?
Read Gretchen Rubin's "Seven Tips for Making Good Conversation with a Stranger" on her The Happiness Project blog at: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/05/seven-tips-for-making-good-conversation-with-a-stranger.html
In the comments section, see if you can add an additional tip from your personal repertoire that has proven effective for you in fostering conversation (or, if you can't think of a positive one, offer a tip on what to avoid saying that might stifle conversation).
Deadline to comment is Sunday, 09/13/2009, 11:59pm
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From my personal repertoire one thing is finding something that they are wearing that you can comment on. If at an outing you can comment on a shirt and ask where they got it or jewelry that they are wearing.
ReplyDeleteAnd just to go on the reverse end, just stay away from insults on other people near by because you never know who they are in contact with and it could close doors for you.
Brian Villar
Danielle Dennison:
ReplyDeleteThank goodness for this artcile and shame on me for not researching for such an article in the past. I am a horrible conversationalist. Get me in front of a room full of people with a prepared presentation and I am perfectly fine. However, put me into a dinner party or convention and my heart starts racing, my hands sweat, and I have no idea what on Earth to talk about.
I cannot stand the "what do you do?" question because although I usually love my job, there is so much more to life than work. I love the suggestion of "so what keeps you busy these days?" that leaves the door open for other activities besides work.
One tip I firmly believe in, especially when networking is to get the other people to open up about themselves. We all know that we like to talk about ourselves. So, if we can get the other person to talk more and we can learn about them then they will walk away feeling better about the conversation. Obviously, however, it should not be treated as an interrogation.
To me, the context of personal and professional perspective makes for two very different environments. In professional context, I would make a lot of eye contact fluctuating with body language of keen curiosity or casual interest. Conversation like dancing requires two people to be sharing back and forth finding intersections to trade off control of the conversation.
ReplyDeleteIn the personal context, it's about them opening up, and me acknowledging commonalities. As such, I make eye contact when they are talking about something new to me, and let them make eye contact if I'm talking about something new and interesting to them. I can be detailed or brief based on their body language in this way, and politely end the conversation if they don't wish to participate.
I guess that I'm bothered about Rubin's "Seven Tips..." not acknowledging that some people don't want to have a conversation at all, or the conversation they want to have is not with you. It boggles me some that she would ignore the 'context' of the setting and environment that you could meet a stranger. It may be me viewing this too realistically, never worriyng about remembering a persons name unless I talk with them more than three times, or being able to spot a familiar face in a crowd.
I have never really been too good at being a conversationalist. Talking to people I am meeting for the first time is often something I get nervous about, but always seem to make my way through it. Although I am not the best, I have often found that most people have a common interest in food. I am very good at talking about food. So, I often bring up something about a good restaurant or what we happen to be eating at the time (if the situation allows). Usually it works, but sometimes you get stuck with someone who has no desire to talk about food. That's where I kind of hit a dead end and quickly think of something else to comment on.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this article I realized that I do most of the things that were discussed. I do not mind meeting new people and in fact I enjoy it. I like being in new places and seeing what life is like for someone outside of my little world in Orlando. The last break we had from school I went to the Dominican republic for a week and met a whole slew of new people. Some questions that I ask would be similar to, how long have you lived here, What is there to do around here? How are the Restaurants, nightlife, day activities? That is a good way to get to no someone as well because they will describe what they like to do. Then once you get to find out what that person enjoys doing, relate it to yourself and that will create a whole new conversation.
ReplyDeleteIn the current industry I work a way to begin a conversation is very simply by saying Hello! How are you? While the words are what your saying the important part of this action is your eye contact, the conotation in which you use, and the smile on your face. I have learned a smile and a Hello is better then any fancy introduction you could have.
ReplyDeleteThose were seven good conversation tips. I usually do not have a problem having or starting conversations. But that is kinda what I do on a daily basis. When people come into my pool where I guard, I greet them making myself the known authority figure and then ask how they are doing. I am really interested for safety reasons so I am comfortalbe listening and asking almost anyone. Good eye contact and a warm smile will usually let people know that you are listening and interested.
ReplyDeleteI also use anything on a person as a conversation starter. Really use anything... bathing suit, purse, sunglasses, kids,hats, shoes,brand on clothing etc. People like talking about themselves all you have to do is ask.
In my experience developing a good conversation depends on how interested you seem in what is being said. Depending on the context of the conversation and the environment....the "what do you do?" or "how do you know so and so?" types of questions may or may not be good starters. I find that it is important to read the people surrounding you in the same way you would read any audience. Say what they want to hear and ask what they want you to ask. For example, meeting your boyfriend's sister and meeting the owner of the company you work for are two completely different contexts.
ReplyDeleteHere's what has worked for me...compliments on anything when it comes to girls....guys like sports and the more intelligent types might like to discuss current events. Movies are good casual topics and of course religion and politics are out of the question. Also, almost everyone likes to talk about themselves, it's easy and as long as you seem interested there are no awkward silences.
This was an interesting blog, I also enjoyed a follow up blog about forgetting peoples names. My fellow class mates have offered a few of the strategies that I use, therefore, I'm finding it hard to think of another "ice breaker" if you will. So I think I will offer advice on what not to do. Try not to add unnecessary information that might offend someone. A few nights ago, my fiancé and I went out to eat with a friend, when the server didn't know if we were going to be on the same check she said something along the lines of: I didn't know if you were together, so I put it on three checks. I was fine with that but she was offended. sometimes little things like that can hold more power than we think. My advice is to think before you speak,if you don't know don't assume, it just takes a second, but could save you in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteI use many of the themes talked about. However I often resort to commenting on something they're wearing or something they have on them. If they spend the the time to accessorize or complete an outfit they have a certain penchant to do so. However I try to avoid taboo issues. Somebody once told me, dont talk about politics, religion or sex with strangers, nothing good can come from it.
ReplyDeleteSomething I would recommend is to try and tap into how the other person is feeling. If they're telling you about something that happened at work that day, don't just nod your head and say "uh-huh". Listen to the situation they're describing. Think about how you would feel. Say, "Wow, that must be frustrating" or "Hey, they must really find you dependable!" The sense that someone else cares and understands how they're feeling will create a positive bond between you.
ReplyDeleteMaking good conversation or conversation with a stranger can go in many different directions. It is important to try to ‘read’ the person (and/or the situation) coupled with the environment related to this context of conversation--and as a rule I try to be positive. I worked in an emergency room for three years and over time learned to think on my feet and stay as positive as possible and realistic, or empathetic in the place of negativity in that situation.
ReplyDeleteAs an older person experience has helped give me some poise, but we can always be nervous and sometimes that can be healthy to keep us on our toes. Personally, I try to comport myself with the countenance befitting the situation. Part of this includes trying to read the person and situation (personal or professional for example), mood, etc. From that point I could feel out if there is common ground, know if the timing is not right for that follow-up question, or be aware of my own body language from the stranger’s perspective.
Lisa Beni
I would have to say that watching your sarcasm is an important tip. I've experienced talking to people before who were very sarcastic to me and sometimes I'm just not sure if they are trying to be sarcastic or serious. I think it's improtant to get a feel for who you're talking to first before going too over board with the sarcasm. You don't want to push someone away by offending him or her when not meaning to.
ReplyDeleteIn the comments section, see if you can add an additional tip from your personal repertoire that has proven effective for you in fostering conversation (or, if you can't think of a positive one, offer a tip on what to avoid saying that might stifle conversation).
ReplyDeleteSometimes a situation calls for conversation to be in good form. Maybe it's only you and the other person in an empty waiting room with nothing to read or watch. Something like that. I try to find something to compliment (that I actually like) and make a comment. "I love your bag!" or seeing a military hat "When did you serve?" Something that obviously is of interest to them. A sure conversation STOPPER is when you make a negative, racist, rude, flippant or sexual comment in mixed company. Even if they think it's funny or not, it's inappropriate in mixed company!!!
I believe that the first time you introduce yourself to someone is the most important time because they can figure out what kind of person you really are. There are many ways to go about introducing yourself to someone for the first time. When I introduce myself to someone I usually will start with "Hi how are you doing"? or "Ive heard good things about you". After that I would just randomly think about something interesting that just happened or ask about how they are doing which will eventually lead to more conversations. When I was younger I was very shy which made it harder for me to start a good conversation. As I am getting older I start to realize how much easier it gets to introduce myself and start a conversation with someone. Just like everything else the more your practice and work on something the easier it will get for you as time goes on. The most important thing to remember is think before you speak because it could help you or hurt you depending on how the words come out of your mouth at that second.
ReplyDeleteI agree that asking a follow-up question can be a good way to keep the conversation going, though I thought that some of the ones offered by this author were a little strange. I try to make follow-up questions that ask for detail regarding something the person has already said, like that they do for a living. Not only does it show interest in them, it's a good way to keep the conversation going. If I don't know enough about their field (or whatever) to ask a good question, I'll admit I know little about it and ask them to tell me more.
ReplyDeleteIn the comments section, see if you can add an additional tip from your personal repertoire that has proven effective for you in fostering conversation (or, if you can't think of a positive one, offer a tip on what to avoid saying that might stifle conversation).
ReplyDeleteI think the article really hits the key points of opening conversational barriers. As cliche as it sounds, I know that being yourself can open up any door. Find a way to make yourself feel comfortable within yourself, so you can communicate with others and doing this will help others to try and understand you. When you feel good about the surrounding environment, a comfortable conversation will flow.
I have always been the shy type and would more often listen to a conversation and take everything in rather than be in the spotlight. When I meet new people and try to start a conversation I might ask them about what kinds of music they enjoy. Music is a very important part of my life and I enjoy tossing musical ideas around with others. I find it a great way to learn about new and upcoming bands and expand myself as a musician. This may be hard for some as I know people that listen to a very narrow spectrum of music and they may be set off from someone that does not share the same taste in music. This is not really a problem for me as I will listen to almost anything.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I see a conversation is about to enter the realm of awkward silence, I usually ask the person something about themselves just to get the ball rolling again. This can also be effective if initiating a conversation is difficult because people like to talk about themselves. Hopefully they will say something that you can expand on and the conversation can be shared mutually.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite way to start a conversation is to hone in on something that might be important to them. There are usually many clues as to their areas of interest. Of course any parent’s favorite subject is their children. Complimenting how well mannered a child is always turns out to be a great conversation starter. In an instance where I’m trying to start a conversation with someone who is not a parent or without their children, I try to look for clues such as what type of music they are listening to on their IPod or if they are involved with a social networking site such as facebook. Maybe they are wearing clothing from a local gym or club your familiar with. Any of these clues are good conversation starters. In my experience people always seem to be warmer and more comfortable if they have a commonality with the person they are speaking with.
ReplyDeleteI am going to comment on what to NOT say when trying to start a conversation. One thing I am going to say is be aware of your surroundings. Just because you want to be funny does not give you the right to say something offensive or mildly awkward to begin a conversation, such as this example that happened to me recently. I just met this person for the first time, and she was a friends’ new girlfriend, and I heard her say that it was tough living where she is from, and I said, in jest, something to the effect of “…well, at least you’re not a foreigner…” It turned out she was from Hungary, and when she said this, the entire room turned silent. So, to sum up what I am trying to say, do not make assumptions about a person’s ethnicity when first meeting them, regardless of how they sound or how they look.
ReplyDeleteIn my personal experience nothing kills a conversation with a stranger faster than discussing the topic of religion. I believe this phenomenon occurs because of the deeply personal nature of spiritual faith. Individuals hold their religious beliefs near and dear. Usually said beliefs form the bedrock of one’s values and moral fiber. As such, critiquing ones deep seeded faith in whatever religion they may subscribe to is often perceived as both offensive and completely inappropriate. If you want may advice, stay away from the topic all together unless you know for certain you can have an intelligent, civil conversation without the possibly of insulting whoever it is you are communicating with.
ReplyDeleteAll of the tips that were given were very useful but one thing that I have learned from my experience is that everyone seems to enjoy talking about music. It is something that is always positive because who doesn’t enjoy music and everyone mostly has something to offer to the conversation. Other than that the only other thing I can think of is that those all focused on not having a dead silence but also it is important to not ramble on and on about something and to listen when someone else is talking not just wait to speak.
ReplyDeleteA list I can provide as far as a successful and effective conversation that personally works for me is:
ReplyDelete-Be open-minded
-Have good eye contact
-Have responses when necessary
-Listening is sometimes better than just having a response in a conversation
-Make the conservationist feel that they can trust you with whatever they are talking about.
Gretchen Rubin’s “Seven Tips for Making Good Conversation with a Stranger” had some information that could be helpful when having a conversation with someone.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated her mention of the importance of not complaining as a way of starting a conversation with a stranger. It’s easy to make a joke about a slow clerk while you’re in line at a store, etc., but it may leave a bad impression about you to your
‘stranger’.
Some of the tips like: asking a follow-up question and laughing at a bad joke are some things Americans do well while having a conversation. Some people are an exception…
*A tip from my personal repertoire for fostering a positive conversation: use HUMOR. I have found that humor allows for more of an opportunity to start a conversation, or to make a conversation go well once one is in progress.
I also skimmed through Gretchen’s advice on what to do when you can’t remember someone’s name. Her tips were both obvious and helpful because it is always good to know how to act in a situation when you cannot remember someone’s name. I’ve done the “introducing my the other people to get figure out the person’s name you can’t remember” many times, and it works!
-Rich
A tip I would give it to make sure that you aren't dominating the conversation. As much as people enjoy hearing about others, they want a chance to talk as well. Rich mentioned in the comment above to use humor and I agree. However I would tell a funny story about something that happened in current events, or in your life. You have to be careful when using humor because there is a chance that someone may not find it funny, or may find it offensive.
ReplyDelete